Yesterday I presented a blog to hopefully help someone to keep from committing suicide. Today I am offering suggestions for how to notice someone if they are considering suicide. Remember that such a person is having trouble differentiating between themselves and the problem. To them, suicide is just a way to kill the problem; usually not taking into consideration they are killing themselves as well. The military has an ongoing issue with members who commit suicide. Usually military or civilian persons are those who find themselves in a state of desperation. Please take these suggestions into your mental bank to detect someone who is about to destroy themselves.
- Whether it appears to be joking or revealing the potential for a tragedy, the threat of suicide must be taken seriously. Do not hesitate to frankly and directly ask a person, “are you thinking of hurting yourself?” It will show yourself as a person of concern and caring. You might even see that person breathe a sigh of relief that someone has noticed their plight. Never, ever brush this off. Also, while building a bridge to the other person, you are inadvertently pledging trustworthiness. Later you may want to enlist the help of someone else, but if you are alone at that moment, God may have put you in the right place at the right time.
- You may feel like you do not know how to talk to such a person. Sometimes you don’t need to talk at all. Sitting next to them in silence could be one of the greatest supports that is needed. When you do talk, rely on the Holy Spirit to give you the words to say as a means of comfort and support. The idea is to allow that person to speak to you, to vent their frustration and pain. Never lecture or preach at that person. They need you to demonstrate understanding and competence. If you are fortunate enough for the other person to vent with details, avoid prying for in-depth information. Listen. Listen. Listen. In your head offer prayers for God to use you.
- Try to find some way to stabilize the situation. Without imposing your own answers, ask questions. The questions you ask are for permission or clarification. It is not to present yourself as a know it all. As you listen to the person, learn if they have the means and opportunity to harm themselves. You might ask permission to sit next to the person. You might ask permission for the person to move where they are sitting to another location near you. In some cases, the person may be willing to go for a walk which will take them away from the location of their presumed tragedy.
- Make sure that the person feels like they are still in charge because that’s what they believe that suicide is a form of control. Honor them in your attitude and tone of voice. If they have already taken some steps to hurt themselves such as pills, seek to know exactly how many and what kind of pills they have taken so you will be able to better inform helpers. It could be allowing the person to share. When they are answering the question about the means they have taken, it may be a relief to them that you care to find out. Never leave the person alone at this critical point.
- If you have known the person that they have been in a state of depression, and they suddenly feel happy or joyful or energized, that could be a bad sign. It might mean they have settled in their thoughts the intention and means to do away with themselves. It could actually be a relief to them that the matter is resolved and no longer debatable. A sudden shift of emotions cannot be taken for granted. It might mean something is wrong.
- If you accidentally stumble over your words or say something offensive to the other person, immediately apologize. Offer some type of clarification. For instance, you might say, “I did not use the right words. I am sorry. This is what I actually meant.” Be humble without trying to save your own ego. Another way to express yourself could be to say something like this, “I need you to…..” If you say this in the right tone of voice supportively, the person may realize they need to cooperate in a new way with you. You might have to repeat this need softly and slowly to get their cooperation. If they will not cooperate, change your tactic from you needing them to do something to expressing doubt that their intention will be as significant as they assume. Monitor the tempo of the conversation because you might want to lower your voice to a near whisper. This could cause a person to strain harder to where you and become a distraction from their intentions.
- Be careful not to allow yourself to be caught up into the situation and put yourself in danger. If the person has a weapon and is waving it around, you have to decide if the situation is comfortable enough to encourage the person to give you the weapon or you may need in a critical situation to leave saving your own life. Never, ever brag about how you have disarmed another person. You are not the center of attention in this conversation. The other person does not want to hear about someone else that has considered something drastic.
- Offer hope for a solution or support. That might be to volunteer a prayer in their behalf if they are willing but be careful if the situation involves spiritual trauma. That could backfire on you. Try to solve the problem with the person. Discover what they really want to happen aside from death. They may want some type of intervention with the third person. They may want clarification of the situation. This might work if the person has been entangled with a rejected love. No one wants to be rejected. To have love rejected is an ultimate insult and diminishes personal value.
- If the other person is angry about a situation or at another person, you might be commiserating by agreeing that this was not fair or just. Try to get the other to believe you empathize. If they will admit they are angry, that can open the door to use problem-solving skills to teach. Since anger at another person is involved, it might not be a good idea to touch the person you’re trying to help unless you genuinely feel such an invitation is appropriate. However, take note if it would work well with you to keep good eye contact without staring. You do not want to make the person feel more uncomfortable than they are.
- Avoid such as “ but” being careful not to use the word “you” so that it does not seem like you are attacking. Show humility with strength. See if they are willing to postpone their act of suicide even for just a few minutes. During that time, align yourself with the person by saying something like, “we can look at this a different way. We can make something happen without you leaving the scene.” Make that third person the enemy for yourself as well as the other person so that you could say something like, “we” need to find a better way to get revenge so that you will be around to enjoy it. (Of course, later you will not be part of such a revenge.)
- If everything you’ve tried and said fails, do not give up. You have a choice while being present silently with the other person until the mood changes. You could also ask if you misunderstood something they said so that they may try to make the effort to clarify themselves. As much as you can get them to talk, this will de-escalate the mood and the sensitivity and the determination by the other person.
- If your intervention fails, and right before your eyes the worst has happened, you may need counseling for yourself. Above all, avoid blaming yourself for what the other person did. None of us can control the thoughts and actions of someone else. You went the entire journey with that person which is honorable of you. Let the Holy Spirit minister to your own pain for what you just witnessed.
Christian Writer 