Paul recognized in this Scripture that there are unique situations that occur relative to marriage. One of those is universal. If a man and woman are free to remarry under God’s approval, they have before them tasks which other couples may not need to consider. The popular movie slant on this is, “yours, mine, and ours.” What must the man and woman consider as they are preparing to form a blended family?
Each adult must experience what I call a psychological funeral. If it was the situation of the divorce, there are many emotions that historically are connected to each of them. There is sadness and regret, anger and lost love. Before remarrying each adult must reconcile themselves to their emotional past including their opinion of the previous spouse, even if that means the spouse is deceased.
It may be necessary for each of the persons involved to forgive themselves as well as seeking God’s forgiveness for any perceived failures in the previous relationship. As with other topics in this blog, forgiveness is important for one to give to him or herself. The new family dynamics cannot be tainted by guilt feelings.
Again, whether the previous spouse became deceased or is liberated through divorce, the new bride and groom forming a blended family must assure each other that they are not under the power of the former spouse. There are times that the former spouse could have used such things as manipulations and verbal harassment which might cause a degeneration of personal worth. The people herein for discussion must not carry any baggage from the past.
Assuming that the anticipated bride and groom are Christians, they must guarantee themselves that they have personal convictions that are biblical and social to share with the other person. No one can assume that the new spouse will automatically accept any convictions which are not known prior to the marriage. This is especially important if each of them belong to a different faith group with different theology.
That carries us to the next step which is the other side of the coin in the relationship. Each adult must be careful to demonstrate respect for the other person’s ideas and possessions. I said possessions because a new spouse may bring into the home items of personal value which only are sentimental and have no financial worth. Avoid blundering into an assessment of what the other person already has thinking something is of no consequence.
Since this is a whole new relationship, two things are precious additives to the partnership. First, learn from past mistakes. This might be how one talks to the spouse or what tone of voice to use or what attitude to display. When people are dating, they usually put out their best presentation but after marriage, their true self comes to the surface. Each person must promise in their own minds to be sure to show unconditional love. This means not to expect the other person to always be what is assumed. With this unconditional love, the new spouse must deal with the situation as soon as they occur instead of allowing issues to pile up .
Accept that the children will have a need to be with her former spouse as a parent. Children must never be used as weapons against a former spouse. They also experienced trauma with the loss of a parent. Remember that children are people too.
Develop a new set of family rituals that are unique to this blended relationship. Avoid trying to carry over previous rituals such as how Christmas is observed. Involving the children in this set of rituals will bring a new unity for all involved. However, even as hard as the adults try to blend the family, expect the children to act out because that is normal. They likely are trying to say something with behavior that they cannot find words to say.
Avoid “adult” conversations or behaviors in front of the children. They already have too much about which to adjust. They must not be expected to deal with things that are beyond their years. However, it will be helpful to the adults and the children in this new family to assure themselves that they will be involved in church and other religious activities. This means that the adults must demonstrate the spirit of Christ before the other adult and the children. She could be a blessing to everyone else in this new family.
Christian Writer 